Dear Richard Madeley: My younger sexual partners want to do bondage – but it's just not me

I am in my late 40s and went through a divorce two years ago. Surprisingly, I have been enjoying success in the exciting realm of online dating. I have become somewhat of a dream figure for younger men, and I have had a great time with casual relationships that don't require any commitment. This works well for me as it allows me to balance my responsibilities as a parent and at work.

Lately, I've been feeling uncomfortable with the requests from men to engage in mildly bondage activities. Initially, it was all in good fun and laughter, but it doesn't align with my true sexual identity. I've come to realize over the past two years that I enjoy sex, but I prefer to keep things simple and straightforward. I don't want to feel pressured to take on a different persona or dress up for someone else's pleasure.

I think I should appreciate living in a world where women can enjoy physical pleasure without feeling guilty. When I was younger, I would have been more reserved, which might be why people seem to show interest in my profile instead of younger women's profiles.

Because I have established limits on any situation that could create a deeper emotional connection - and I am content with things that way, at least for now - I have not been able to have a conversation with any of my suitors about what they find appealing about me or what they desire from me, besides the obvious. I do not have any male friends in that particular age range, and the small number of guys my own age whom I am comfortable enough with to discuss these matters with, without arousing any romantic feelings, all seem confused.

I want to keep exploring my adventurous sex life for now, but I want to make sure that we are both on the same page and not just doing things to please someone else. I also don't want a future partner to judge me based on my sexual preferences. Any thoughts or advice on how to navigate this?

— Anonymous, via electronic mail

I think you might not know who is taking the lead in these situations. From what I can infer, it seems like the young lovers want you to be in control. Whether they want you to be dominant or submissive, what truly matters is feeling like you have power over the situation. Your reluctance to participate in these intimate games might be a sign that you are losing that sense of control.

In any case, if you've made the decision that you're not into bondage games, you shouldn't feel pressured to participate in them. However, if you are open to playing under specific conditions, it's important to communicate your boundaries clearly.

I don't understand why you can't communicate with your new partners about what you like and don't like. If they can suggest things for the bedroom, why can't you be honest about your own desires? And if you're setting limits on emotional connections, you should also be able to set boundaries for sexual activities. Some dating apps may even have a feature for this, but I'm not sure.

The most important thing is to never do anything in bed that you are not truly comfortable with or enthusiastic about. Don't stress yourself out trying to please others.