Why some people are spending the holidays sans family: ‘My friends are more fun than my relatives’

Holidays are typically seen as a season for family – a time to fill up your bags and travel by train, plane, or car to visit those who are related to you by blood.

However, for many, this may not be feasible or appealing. Some may reside far away from their biological families, while others might not have strong connections or may have complicated relationships with them. While this situation can be difficult, it also presents a chance to create new traditions with friends and neighbors.

We invited Guardian readers to tell us about how they celebrate holidays with individuals who aren't their biological family.

Responses have been modified and shortened for better understanding.

On Christmas Day, I hosted a few open houses that I called the Laughing Christmas Open House. Family dynamics were a bit tense during the holidays, and since I was deeply involved in my local theater scene, I shared details about the event through those connections. As a result, many people came to join in the festivities.

I aimed to resemble a snowflake, so I chose to wear a pre-loved wedding dress. When I answered the door, it brought plenty of laughter. I encouraged guests to share dishes from their family’s holiday customs—no matter what they were—resulting in a delightful variety of meals.

I wanted to create a wonderful experience for everyone. So, I prepared spiced cider, roasted a big turkey, decorated with lovely lights, and played festive music non-stop. When it was time for dinner, we all gathered in the living room, finding spots on the floor or wherever we could squeeze in. I don't really remember the taste of the food, but I do remember the happiness of sharing a meal with so many loved ones.

The following Christmas, I spent time with my family, and it was a terrible experience! I promised myself I would never go through that again, so I organized the second Laughing Christmas for the next year. Joce, 56, disabled artist and activist.

Around a decade ago, I made the decision to forgo spending Christmas with my family in favor of exploring other connections and experiences. I figured that reaching middle age was the perfect moment to recognize that I didn’t find joy in celebrating the holidays with my relatives. My father, who is now 73, has never had a fondness for me, and I’ve wasted too many years trying to alter that dynamic. Why should I use my limited free time to be around someone who doesn’t appreciate me? My parents have plenty of socializing to keep them occupied during the holidays, which helps ease any guilt I might feel about choosing to celebrate Christmas with friends instead.

These days, my closest friend from high school and I explore new destinations together during the week of Christmas. We enjoy discovering unfamiliar places that we both haven't been to before. Rikki, 54, Oregon

Casual walks with friends during the holidays

Every Thanksgiving, my wife and I head out to our friends' home in the countryside. It's a cozy gathering with a few of our LGBTQ friends who come together to enjoy turkey and all the traditional dishes. We each whip up pies and side dishes, and then we spend the day eating, chatting, and going for long walks.

During Christmas, our friends—many of whom are queer—come to stay with us in Oakland, filling every available space for sleeping. We share presents, enjoy lots of delicious food, play board games, read, and take leisurely strolls together. - Deb, 62, Oakland

I've been living in Sweden since 2002, and I haven't been able to celebrate a major holiday with my family since 2004, when I traveled to the U.S. for Easter. My family has received several invitations to come to Sweden, but they have never come. Our relationship has been quite difficult.

I've created a new family and a home in Sweden. For several years, I've had a close-knit group of friends with whom I celebrate Thanksgiving on the final Saturday of November. Out of this group, just two of us are from the United States. Our feast includes Spanish tortillas and a potent drink named "panther’s milk," a mix of gin and condensed milk that hits hard. We also enjoy turkey, stuffing, and all the traditional sides. The day is filled with games, plenty of conversation, and just savoring each other's presence. — Carolyn, 50, Sweden

Gathering with friends for Thanksgiving and hiking during the winter solstice.

My relatives are spread out across the United States, making it difficult to arrange get-togethers. I reside in a college town that attracts educators from around the globe, many of whom are away from their families. As a result, we host a Friendsgiving every year, inviting friends and connections who might otherwise spend the holiday alone.

We mark the solstice by taking a hike up Spirit Mound, which is a significant historical location in our area, and then we enjoy a potluck dinner together. This Christmas Eve, we'll have a book swap and share some chocolate treats. On Christmas Day, I'll be having dinner with friends as well. These gatherings bring me a lot of happiness. — Betty, 74, South Dakota

Vegan holiday potluck choir celebration

I’m a retired grandma who follows a vegetarian diet, but my two grandsons and their parents are big meat lovers. We also attend church on Christmas morning, while they don’t. This year, instead of trying to please everyone with our holiday plans, we’re inviting some friends from the church choir who are also vegan and vegetarian for a festive potluck celebration. We’ll catch up with family the day after Christmas with whatever leftovers we have. — Sue, 75, London

Six friends and 10,000 Maniacs

On December 26, 2014, my husband suddenly passed away. The next year, I decided to rent a vacation house on Florida's Gulf Coast. For the next week, I and six of my close friends enjoyed each other's company, sharing meals, drinks, and time at the beach. One evening, a song by 10,000 Maniacs came on the radio. I took a moment to really listen to the lyrics: “These are the days you’ll remember…” Now, years later, I've changed so much, but I still think back on that trip. Lesley, 63, Michigan

No going back to moody adolescents.

This Christmas, we're getting together with another family that has kids the same age as ours. Since our relatives are celebrating with different family members, we thought it would be nice to combine our celebrations. We also reached out to some friends in their 70s who mentioned they would be spending the holiday by themselves, so we invited them to join us as well.

I believe we're going to have a great time. Each person is responsible for a dish, drinks, or a game, even the younger ones, which simplifies things. I'm confident we'll all act maturely—no slipping back into moody teenage antics at 52 just because of differing opinions on subjects like Brexit or climate change. We've seen that before! – Jo, 52, Devon

Since my mom passed away in November 2022, I've been feeling uncertain about how to spend the holidays and who to celebrate with. My relationship with my brother is a bit strained, but his wife is really wonderful. Last Christmas, I spent the holiday with a close friend in Virginia. It meant a lot to me that she was determined to have me join her and her family during such a tough time after my mom's passing. I truly felt cared for and supported. - Anonymous, New Jersey

I relocated to Oregon four years back after I retired. My mother settled here two years after me. My sister and niece have been residents for more than 20 years, and they have built a wide circle of close family friends with whom they celebrate the holidays. I attempted to be part of their gatherings, but I felt somewhat out of place.

Next, I attempted to celebrate the holidays with my mom, but we realized that we don't share enough of a connection for that level of closeness. Now, I celebrate with great friends I've made at the gym. My mom, on the other hand, was invited by a neighbor to join them for the holiday, which was a big accomplishment since she used to live quite isolated. Now, she's engaging more with those around her. It's a positive development for everyone involved. – Donna, 56, Oregon

Sophisticated and detailed dinner menus that are competitive in nature.

My friends are not only much closer to me but also a lot more enjoyable to be around than many of my family members.

My neighbor and I are both enjoying life as empty nesters and love experimenting with cooking. The holiday season allows us to challenge each other in the kitchen. We dedicate at least a month to exploring recipes and planning our menus. Eilene, Wisconsin, retired.

A festive holiday event featuring drag performances and decorating cookies with beloved friends and family.

Each year, my LGBTQ+ "chosen family" gathers to enjoy a drag Christmas special along with other festive films. We also attend a live performance of Golden Girls, where two episodes are brought to life in drag, and we spend time decorating holiday cookies throughout December. I cherish creating these joyful traditions that capture the warmth and comfort of family gatherings while avoiding the traditional expectations that can make it difficult to be true to myself around my biological relatives.

Members of the LGBTQ+ community often have valid reasons for maintaining some distance from certain family members. It's painful to feel the need to hide one's true self just to avoid conflict. With my chosen family, I can truly be myself without any concerns. — Joshua, 38, California

A day out by the river with a picnic and an overnight stay in the desert.

In recent years, holiday gatherings with family have transformed from joyful reunions into more of a meeting of unfamiliar faces. In the past, relatives would engage in conversations, share laughs, and reconnect. Nowadays, it often involves a lot of eating while everyone is absorbed in their phones. Eventually, everyone goes their separate ways.

I've moved nearer to my friends, and we’ve started to spend more of our leisure time and holidays camping, discovering new places, and kayaking. When my friends can't join, I either head out on my own or take my partner along. This Thanksgiving, we enjoyed a picnic by the river with our dog and observed some wild horses grazing nearby. Later, we went camping in the desert with our friends. - Anonymous, Arizona