Whhhhaaaatttt? Jennifer Lopez in a Die Hard rip-off? I guess she’s a little late, but welcome to the party, pal, because that’s the perfect formula for undemanding entertainment as the bracingly daft Shotgun Wedding drops on Amazon Prime in the UK and elsewhere. Yes, Die Hard ass-kicking at a luxury resort wedding is the sincere promise that Jason Moore’s action comedy makes, and having recently taken up my tenure as Emeritus Professor of Jennifer Lopez studies at the University of Please Yourself, California, I’m delighted to report that these promises made are promises kept. Yes, Lopez, the seminal creative figure wowing us ever since 1997’s game-changer Anaconda returns to the fray as a thwarted bride whose luxury wedding in the Philippines turns into a warzone when a group of pirates take the guests hostage. What’s not to like?
We start off with an image of a gold lame grenade with a diamond ring for a pin; yup, this is a real action film with shootings, explosions, deaths and bloody industrial buzz-saw accidents to savour. Shotgun Wedding plays out much like you’d imagine a third Romancing the Stone movie to be; Lopez plays Darcy to Josh Duhamel’s Tom, about to tie the knot on a posho island paradise, bickering away as the heavily-armed pirates descend. Can the couple put aside their differences long enough to fight their way to safety and rescue the other guests?
Having followed the career of Lopez in forensic details for several decades now, I can report only bountiful evidence of the actress, producer, singer and star’s cast iron commitment to providing old-fashioned, good time entertainment for us all. Yes, Shotgun Wedding has absolutely everything you could ask for and more. Duhamel transferring from helicopter to speedboat by using Lopez’ hair-extinctions to protect his hands from the zip-line? Now you’re talking. Jennifer Coolidge as Tom’s mother, firing a machine gun in slow motion? Yup, we’re cooking with gas now. Cheech Marin from Cheech and Chong as, checks notes, ‘a messy bitch who loves drama’? Now this party is just getting started. How about a scene in a swimming pool involving an attempt to poke yer actual Lenny Kravitz in the eye with a needle? Or Lopez getting dragged over a cliff edge when she gets her dress caught in beneath the wheels of a runaway golf-cart? This review pretty much writes itself.
Yes, Kravitz fans should be all over this one, The Chamber star plays Darcy’s ex Sean, who turns out to be something of a liability; Sean has an extended ‘WHHHAAATTTTTT!’ near the end that I’d be keen to adopt as my new avatar. But Kravitz’s sense of rising incredulity is fully justified by a madcap, deeply silly, tonally all-over-the-shop but genuinely endearing slice of Saturday night hokum. ‘I am not a monster, I am an entrepreneur!’ Tom screams in the closing stages, but this is all about Lopez, who rocks a wedding dress and shotgun combo and cheerfully drops grenades from zip-lines on pirates. While other stars phone it in, Lopez always goes the extra mile in terms of entertaining us, and Shotgun Wedding’s slam-bam silly Saturday night special should do the job.
