Confused by Tulisa’s I’m a Celeb confession? Allow a fellow demisexual to explain…
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At the beginning of the year, I resolved to take dating seriously and put in some genuine effort. However, I soon found myself feeling completely swamped by the whole experience. Before long, my thoughts were more tangled than a contestant on Love Island caught in a love triangle.
I was determined to find someone, so I kept swiping on dating apps until my thumbs were sore from rubbing against my battered phone screen. Before I knew it, I was chatting with five different guys at once. As a result, my mind was stuck in a repetitive loop of questions like, “Where do you live?” and “How’s your week been?”
Connecting with others on dating apps is clearly beneficial—it's the main goal, after all—and I was pleased to engage in conversations with several kind and intriguing men. However, I identify as demisexual, which means I don’t experience sexual attraction unless I have formed a deep emotional bond with someone.
Tulisa Contostavlos, known for her time with N-Dubz and as a judge on The X Factor, has spoken openly about her identity as a demisexual while in the I’m a Celeb jungle. During a candid conversation about her experiences, she shared her reasons for steering clear of dating apps. “I have used them, but I’ve never actually gone on a date with anyone from those platforms,” she said. “I really keep my feelings under wraps.”
She went on to say, "I believe I identify as demisexual."
"I require a deep emotional connection with someone... I seek genuine intimacy. I'm not someone who rushes into things; I take my time. It’s been more than three years since I’ve been intimate with anyone."
Just like Tulisa, I've had some great relationships in the past, but it usually takes me quite a while to develop feelings for someone. Throughout my life, I've only experienced genuine sexual attraction with two people.
It's no surprise that I've found dating apps challenging. It's not that I have a problem with the apps themselves; rather, it's that forming deep emotional connections often isn't a priority for them. These platforms typically focus on quick judgments based on looks.
As we quickly browse through profiles in just a few seconds, we miss out on the special spark of connection that being physically close with someone—and for me, sharing a deeper emotional bond—can create. Even with the various questions and prompts provided by dating apps, I frequently find it difficult to really understand a person’s true character just by quickly looking at their profile.
Whether we want to admit it or not, how we look tends to take the spotlight. While this focus on looks does attract many people (and yes, there's definitely a thrill when conversations start), I’ve never felt that connection myself. I can’t recall ever seeing someone’s face on a dating app and thinking, “Wow, I’m really attracted to this person.” Likewise, I’ve never experienced any chemistry on a first date with someone I didn’t already know.
I just came to understand that I'm demisexual, and this insight has helped me make sense of all my past dating experiences. However, I still don’t quite feel comfortable navigating the current dating scene.
It's a bit of a strange situation, like a dating dilemma. When I'm chatting with several people at the same time, it becomes really hard to form any real emotional bond with any one of them. On the other hand, if I choose to focus on just a few, I risk missing out on a meaningful connection altogether. So here I am, juggling conversations with multiple people, yet feeling like I'm compromising the intimacy of each chat, similar to a very watered-down orange drink.
The guys I've spoken with have all been really nice, and there have been moments when I was eager to meet them face-to-face. However, there were also times when I felt like throwing my phone into the bathtub.
As a classic demisexual, I often found myself toggling between the pleasure of building new, tentative relationships and questioning the purpose of it all. After all, I realized that I wouldn't be interested in kissing anyone unless I felt a genuine emotional bond with them (at least, that's what I believe).
Dating today can be challenging for those who identify as demisexual, but that's perfectly fine. If it becomes overwhelming, the dating apps will still be available for you to return to later. Plus, with Tulisa as our role model, we now have a strong female leader in our group.
