Emma Barnett: ‘Why I wanted a certificate after losing my baby’

Emma Barnett has previously shared her story about undergoing IVF treatment and experiencing a miscarriage.

At times, there are certain things that you aren't aware of your requirement until you are provided with them. This is precisely how I perceive the recent baby loss certificates introduced by the government.

I finished my presentation on Woman's Hour last month and immediately went to the government website. The reason behind it was an emotional interview I had conducted with Zoe Clark-Coates, who established the baby loss charity called Mariposa Trust. Due to her traumatic personal experiences, she has been advocating for nine years.

While we were talking, it suddenly occurred to me that I could also submit an application for this certificate that was created as part of the Pregnancy Loss Review initiated by the government. I didn't think twice about it and followed my gut feeling that I wanted to be part of the first group of women in England to apply.

I sent a message to my spouse to let them know about my intentions and inquire if they were okay with it. I aimed to list their name and didn't want them to receive an unexpected email requesting their permission. They gave their go-ahead.

It is unnecessary to have access to your medical records. Additionally, this procedure is not exclusive to a singular instance of losing a child.

Completing the form didn't take me long, but I was surprised by how intense it made me feel. Among the queries, you're asked when you experienced the loss of your infant, and I realized I couldn't recall precisely which year or month it transpired, despite only happening recently in January 2022.

Emma is now in possession of the certificate that she had requested to honor the memory of her deceased child.

That entire duration had turned into a hazy and sorrowful experience. It was a phase where the importance of days and dates had diminished. As a result, I had to go through my old chats with loved ones to remind myself of when and how I informed them about the news.

Going through the words I picked to convey this news was difficult because it brought back memories of that dark time. However, I realized that when I informed everyone close to us, I made sure to emphasize the significance and legitimacy of what had occurred, even though I was still struggling with the sadness.

In January 2022, we unfortunately experienced the loss of our baby. I had previously presumed that undergoing five rounds of IVF to conceive would guarantee that we wouldn't experience such heartache. However, I was misled to believe that the challenging and arduous journey to attain our much-desired outcome would exempt me from the harrowing truth that one out of every four pregnancies ends in fetal loss. Regrettably, this was not the case.

When I discovered the news, I was all by myself - not an experience I suggest you go through if you have a choice. I had been sensing some odd sensations for a few days and craved some confirmation. Consequently, I decided to shell out £120 for a personal examination to ease my worries. My spouse volunteered to accompany me, but his work schedule was problematic that day, so I advised him not to fret, and I went on my own.

It ended up being a major error. I left the facility unsteadily and walked into the intense sunlight of a crowded London street, understanding that our ambition was now a thing of the past. It vanished.

Strangely enough, I recall planning to cook a chicken for dinner on that particular night. However, that plan never came to fruition. The moment I entered the sonographer's room and only heard my own heartbeat, time seemed to split into two distinct parts: before that moment and after.

Existing in the aftermath was bleak and sorrowful.

I guess it shows how much the people around you care when they encourage you to keep going, hold on to hope, and maybe even consider trying again after a difficult time.

However, I wasn't ready to let go. It would be a long time before I could come to terms with the situation. I had developed a connection with our child, imagining a future for the both of us. Despite filling out medical forms, discussing the heartbreaking news with my husband, notifying friends through text messages about our loss, and reflecting on our bond, there wasn't any physical evidence to confirm that this experience had actually occurred.

Just like countless women who came before me, I carried and lost my baby within me. I was both the guardian and observer of my body and mind during this ordeal.

Can you tell me about the certificates for losing a baby?

Starting in February 2024, individuals in England who have unfortunately lost a baby before reaching 24 weeks of pregnancy may now request a commemorative certificate in honor of their departed little one.

To be eligible, it is required that you have reached the age of 16 and that your pregnancy came to an end either on or after the date of 1 September 2018.

Medical evidence is not required, allowing you to still submit an application even if a healthcare professional or physician did not document your loss.

You have the choice to obtain the certificate, which is recognized but has no legal authority.

At present, it is only possible to submit an application if you are a resident of England and were living in the country when the loss occurred.

Scotland offers the option to apply for an entry in the Memorial Book and a commemorative certificate without any cost. The governments of Wales and Northern Ireland are collaborating with English counterparts to investigate the possibility of introducing certificates for infant loss.

A lot of individuals may not find it necessary to have a document. However, the time when I recognized the significance of having one was when Zoe and I discussed the idea of obtaining an official record for our family records. The agony we suffered is a component of our family account, and at present, we can have an official documentation to chronicle it.

Historical records often neglect women and their personal narratives due to a long-standing perception of our unworthiness to document. Our triumphs, tragedies, and even our identities remained forgotten with our passing. The absence of meticulous documentation on women has resulted in significant gaps in genealogy records, leading to incomplete family trees.

I personally perceived applying for a certificate for our lost baby as a politicized action, a way to resist the notion of this crucial event being ignored or forgotten by society.

When I received it, after waiting for 10 days, it was in a crisp envelope and printed on a thick white paper with an official government masthead. I was oddly pleased and felt like I had been justified. It had actually happened.

There was tangible evidence that was not from within me that my spouse and, when they grow up, our kids could peruse as a component of our life tale. This includes our matrimony certificate, birth certificates, and any other things that record our presence.

I don't want to express my husband's thoughts, but I can mention that he agreed it was a great and beneficial action. It also provided him with a connection to something that is closely related to me and my physical form.

In my opinion, these official documents may also assist others in comprehending and empathizing with someone's bereavement. They also provide a more legitimate method of acknowledging the emotional significance of a pregnancy and can aid in the process of commemorating it.

Not everyone will find them suitable for their needs, and they are not the complete solution to honoring the memory of a loss. However, their popularity is projected to be very high, to the point where the English government has restricted eligibility to applicants who have experienced losses starting in 2018.

Currently, there is a limit to the amount of time for which the system is available to prevent it from becoming overburdened. However, in due time, everyone will have access to it. Several ladies have contacted Woman's Hour to express their intention to apply and commemorate past bereavements that took place decades ago.

We have stored our certificate along with the birth certificates of our other kids. I might look at it from time to time and contemplate. Although, I already do this even without having the certificate with me, but having it filed there gives me peace of mind. It serves as a reminder of the painful and genuine experience we went through.

Tune in to Emma's personal story and witness the accounts of other women discussing their miscarriages on Woman's Hour broadcasted on BBC Radio 4.

If you are going through any of the problems discussed in this article, you can find assistance and guidance through BBC Action Line.